C is for Cook House...

A wise person once said that into each life a little rain must fall. If the ending of Bambi upset you, I'd advise you to stop reading now...

I used to go to Anna Hedworth's The Grazer for lunch and know a lot of people who have had fantastic meals at her restaurant in the Ouseburn, so the letter C was always going to be Cook House (Foundry Lane, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE6 1LH). Showered, shaved, new trainers and a lateral flow test successfully passed, I headed in search of sustenance, this time accompanied by my celebrity brunch companion. How exciting.

I'm always early for things, at the very least spot on time. I once arrived at a Harry Hill gig an hour and a half before the doors opened. Not because I got the times wrong, more because I didn't know where Sunderland Empire was and where you parked and which direction you walked in to get to it and what the building looked like. (Turns out it has a massive illuminated sign that says EMPIRE that ships can see). I arrived late. Flustered. It was a portent of doom.

The place - anyway, Cook House is in the buzzing, bohemian Ouseburn enclave. It really is a fab setting - two floors, a dining terrace, shop, garden, and an open kitchen. It's light, airy and has a great feel to it.

The food - it's my own fault. Their bacon sandwich is served in focaccia. We all know there are rules for bacon sandwiches - it is tomato sauce not brown sauce, it cannot be in toasted bread; it cannot be sliced on the diagonal; if it's in a bun, the bun cannot be cut in half; if it is in white bread it must be sliced, at ninety degrees to the long edge. There are more rules, but you get the gist.

My celebrity dining companion is much cleverer than me and ordered tomato bruschetta with a fried egg on top, which she enjoyed; it was nice rather than marvellous, but still a state of affairs that made my sense of loss much greater.

Mine looked really impressive, the kind of thing you need planning permission for. I felt a bit rude picking it up and stuffing my face, but it was also difficult cutting the whole arrangement with a knife and fork. The bacon wasn't tough and it wasn't stringy, but it was difficult to get through. It was kind of chewy - as if you had boiled it rather than grilled it. Given what I know of Cook House, where they source the ingredients and what they do with food, I don't understand what was going on with it. The general sensation was rubbery, exacerbated by the stretchiness of the focaccia. Maybe it was me, but it just felt wrong. I was exhausted after eating less than a quarter of it and gave up.

At various points during my life, I've heard the phrase 'It's not you it's me'. The person serving, who was lovely, asked if anything was wrong with it. I couldn't really explain what the problem was - and went down the 'it's not you, it's me' route. First time I've ever used that line, albeit in a culinary setting rather than a crumbling romantic one. In your face Angela Gray!!

I think it was suggested that I could have a chat with the chef, but I'm not an idiot. They have sharp knives close to hand. They were lovely though and took the sarnie off the bill, which I kind of felt bad about. It was such a shame - I will go back. And have the spiced pancakes with baked plums, yoghurt, honey and almonds.

The score - a souldestroylinglytastic 17%

B is for Bao Bar...

When lockdown does for Bistro 46 and the lack of an up to date passport prevents travel to Hexham; tasty Asian fusion saves the day.....

Between the Locksmith and The Barbers, no not Richard Hawley's latest album, instead it is the easily wandered past Bao Bar (206 Chillingham Rd, Newcastle upon Tyne NE6 5LN). To overlook this little gem would be a heinous crime. More of that later.

It seemed like only yesterday that we had done A and before you know it B is here. The plan had been to go to Bistro 46 in Jesmond. Locally sourced and slaughtered nose to tail fine dining - they stalked their own deer at four in the morning and did misty things with mushrooms. Alas, the hardships of running such an enterprise, including two robberies, and the move to a new venture in Morpeth thwarted my cuisine scheme. Rabbit tagliatelle at Bouchon Bistrot in Hexham then beckoned, but let's face it, who wants to go abroad for food in the current Covidy climate?

A few people told me of a place in the buzzing boho-student environs of Heaton, so with my hat** on my head at a jaunty angle and a spring in my step, I set off up the Coast Road. (**Some will know of my deep desire to get a hat, the one in the window of Union on High Bridge, but a fear of looking a d*ck prevents me buying one.)

The food - Chicken Dumplings in Tom Yum Sauce with coconut and herbs.

Five pillows of boiled doughy dumplings filled with minced chicken and herbs sitting in a soft and sour sauce infused (I'm getting good at this food bloggy lark) with coconut, lemongrass, kaffir lime leaves, galangal, lime juice, fish sauce, and crushed red chili peppers (I think). Perfect comfort food. It was accompanied by a cheeky glass of house white and me going "this is fantastic" every two mins. A couple of hours after eating, I could still taste the meal - in a pleasing way, rather than a dodgy hot dog way.

The place - it doesn't look much from the outside and inside it is the smallest restaurant I have ever been in, only eight counter seats, but that really adds to the experience as well as the taste of the food. Staff are nice and helpful in between turning out salmon tartare with crisp potato, caviar and wasabi; prawn skewers with lardo and steamed buns crammed with char sui.

You usually get some nice mood setting music when having a meal - a bit of Dave Brubeck soft jazz or Ravi Shankar giving it big licks on his sitar. A power cut meant that all of the house alarms in nearby Rothbury Terrace were screaming at the top of their lungs. A beer truck stopping suddenly set off three car alarms. All very Hitchcockian.

The score - a chopstickytastic 95%

We stand on the verge of the letter C. Are you not entertained?

A is for Arlo......

It should have been Avanti, it may have been curry at The Ahar, but a journey of one hundred steps begins with Arlo, exciting I know....

Arlo (36-38 Brentwood Ave, West Jesmond, Newcastle upon Tyne NE2 3DH) was not suggested by Sarah Sutherland. She said I should try Avanti, but I was off, it was the afternoon and my stomach was rumbling. To make up for swerving the recommendation, please check out Sarah's Facebook page - Streetdoodler - for amazing building portraits, even if she won't draw the Sage Gateshead for me due to it being modern, curvy and shiny.

I forgot my mobile phone, a pre-requisite of the lone diner. You can pretend you are in an important business meeting, keep checking it for your imaginary dining companion to arrive, or just kill time surfing the internet. Instead, I was forced to people watch and truly embrace the fact that I was dining out properly for the first time in eighteen months. The latter aspect was quite thought-provoking; lockdown has taken away many things which make up the fabric of our lives - sitting in a buzzing restaurant as the waitress says to me, 'Watch out, the plate is hot' is one of the things I've missed the most.

Food - I had the steak sandwich with parmesan and rosemary fries. It's an 8oz minute steak in toasted sourdough with onion jam, smoked garlic aioli, salami and melted, melting, melty gruyere cheese. I'm not convinced a sandwich can be made with sourdough. You dislocate your jaw trying to eat it.... but stick a steak in it and get given a really, really sharp knife and it works a treat. Steak in a sarnie can be more texture than taste, especially with all of the accompaniments, but this was really well cooked and... sorry I can't bring myself to say it melted in the mouth, I'm not a food blogger. It was accompanied with Aspall's organic cider. You could tell it was organic, cider was spelled with a Y.

Place - out of all the retro, nic-nac, Alpine themed restaurants I've been to, Arlo was my favourite retro, nic-nac, Alpine themed restaurant so far. Staff were smiley beneath their masks and the clientele wasn't too Jesmondy.

Score - an aioliisn'tsimplymayonnaisetastic 80%

The place I had for B appears to have closed down... any suggestions gratefully received.